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Democrats Accuse Fauci’s Diary Of Attacking Science
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democrats issued a forceful condemnation today of Dr. Anthony Fauci's diary for its vicious attacks against science.
babylonbee.com
Pentagon unveils technology to hide fat generals from Hegseth
New augmented reality system automatically renders senior officers “within standards”
duffelblog.com
So-Called Christian Nationalist Hasn't Even Posted Anything Overtly Hateful Online Yet Today
BOISE, ID — The credentials of one local man were called into question, as the so-called Christian Nationalist had yet to post anything overtly hateful on social media today.
babylonbee.com
ICE says Americans have no reason to worry about its new MQ-9 Reapers
Officials describe drones as “community-oriented aerial law enforcement”
duffelblog.com
Hollywood Holds Hearings To Root Out Suspected Non-Communists
LOS ANGELES, CA — At the request of Hollywood executives, the California state government opened an inquiry into possible infiltration of the film industry by honest God-fearing, law-abiding American citizens who reject Communism.
babylonbee.com
$200,000 Spent On Travel Ball Finally Pays Off With Son’s $500 College Scholarship
FLORENCE, SC — The $200,000 invested by the Benson family on their son Brayden's travel baseball team finally paid off, as he earned a $500 scholarship to Florence-Darlington Technical College.
babylonbee.com
Japanese Tourist Shamed For Returning Home With Only Five Hundred Million Photos Of Vacation
FLORENCE — Japanese tourist Keiko Haruto was instantly shamed by her friends and family after it was discovered that he had only taken roughly five hundred million photos during her European vacation.
babylonbee.com
Angel Reese Wins WNBA Layup Contest By Making One
CHICAGO, IL — Atlanta Dream forward Angel Reese won the prestigious WNBA Layup Contest after successfully making one.
babylonbee.com
Fauci Starting To Think That Maybe Keeping A Daily Perjury Diary Was A Bad Idea
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Former Chief Medical Advisor Dr. Anthony Fauci admitted to those close to him that he was starting to think that perhaps keeping a detailed daily "Perjury Diary" was a bad idea.
babylonbee.com
Aw, Nice: Someone Just Shouted 'God Is the Greatest!' In Arabic, So Something Really Good Must Be Happening
WORLD — Across the globe this past weekend, dozens of people had the great fortune to hear someone shouting "God is the greatest!" in Arabic, a sure sign that something really good was happening.
babylonbee.com
Elon Musk Acquires Total Ownership Of The Economist
AUSTIN, TX — Over the course of a ninety-minute transaction, Elon Musk became the sole and absolute owner of The Economist.
babylonbee.com
LeBron James: 'I'm Taking My Receding Hairline to Philly'
LOS ANGELES, CA — LeBron James has made the final free agency decision of his career, announcing that he will be taking his receding hairline to Philadelphia.
babylonbee.com
Experts Baffled By Mysterious Mental Health Disorder That Causes People To Stab Jews
U.S. — Experts remain perplexed by a mysterious mental health disorder that causes people to stab Jews.
babylonbee.com
Wells Fargo Explains That Yes, They Gave All Your Money To A Hobo Named Frank, But Will Make Things Right By Coming To Your House To Murder You
HOUSTON, TX — Representatives for Wells Fargo explained to local customer Jim Stephens that they did give all of the money in his checking account to a random hobo, but the company would make things right by coming to Jim's house to murder him and his family.
babylonbee.com
CVS Clerk Reminds Looter To Enter Rewards Number Before Fleeing
SANTA MONICA, CA — According to sources, a CVS employee kept a clear head amid the chaos of a recent "smash and grab" event on Friday, being sure to helpfully remind a looter to enter his rewards number before fleeing.
babylonbee.com
Heaven Confirms Prayer Hands Emoji Counts As Actually Praying For Someone
HEAVEN — Millions breathed a sigh of relief today as Heavenly sources confirmed that sending a prayer hands emoji counts exactly the same as actually praying for someone.
babylonbee.com
Old Spice Introduces New Libertarian-Strength Deodorant
U.S. — Procter & Gamble announced a new breakthrough in male grooming products on Friday with the introduction of Old Spice Libertarian-Strength Deodorant.
babylonbee.com
With 45 Days Left Until Labor Day, Wife Unveils Pumpkin Spice Advent Calendar
CONCORD, NH — Labor Day, and the symbolic start of pumpkin spice season, is just a short 45 days away, and local woman Debrah Norringham was reportedly getting her house in the autumn spirit with a festive new pumpkin spice advent calendar.
babylonbee.com
Mamdani Condemns The Rise In Violence Against Jews Since He Declared War On Them
NEW YORK, NY — After personally declaring war on the Jewish people, Mayor Zohran Mamdani issued a forceful condemnation of the rise of violence against Jews.
babylonbee.com
New Yorker Being Stabbed On Street Corner Glad To Know Mamdani Focused On Bringing Netanyahu To Justice
NEW YORK, NY — As a mugger repeatedly stabbed him on a Manhattan street corner, local resident Ethan Wallace took comfort in the knowledge that Mayor Zohran Mamdani remained laser-focused on bringing Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu to justice.
babylonbee.com
